Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?
the duo who created the bestseller "Why Do Men Have Nipples?" explain everything you always wanted to know about the differences between men and women but would only ask a doctor after your third whiskey sour
It's 9 a.m. Leyner and I are sitting in our office, awaiting our first patients. It is not the way most medical practices start, but we are an unconventional pair.
I'm a practicing physician at Bellevue Hospital and NYU Medical Center. Leyner is what we in the medical trade call sui generis, his own species -- a novelist, a humorist, and a man who once told me that suffering a petit mal seizure was "like someone downloading the aurora borealis straight into my anal sac -- the place where I make my musk."
Last year, after writing a bestseller together, we decided to go into practice. But Leyner's BA in English and master's in creative writing hardly qualified him to treat patients, and his adamant refusal to seek medical education didn't help matters. (During a heated discussion of the issue, he smashed a printer we'd just purchased for our makeshift office and scrawled an adolescent vulgarity on a print of Van Gogh's Sunflowers hanging in the hallway.)
We finally agreed that if Dr. Phil could practice psychology over the airwaves, why couldn't we offer our own brand of counseling services to some unsuspecting drop-ins? This would preclude the need for degrees, and I figured it was a way to keep medical instruments out of Leyner's emotionally unstable grasp.
Our first patients were a young couple. The woman was attractive and conservatively dressed and seemed somewhat despondent. Her husband, dragging behind, seemed more interested in the defaced painting in the hallway than in being here to address "issues" with his inexplicably unfulfilled wife.
"Who wrote 'Sniff My Crotch' on the Van Gogh out there?" he asked as he took a seat next to his wife. "I love it!!!" he guffawed, slapping his thighs.
His wife grimaced with chagrin. "You see," she said, "I married a philistine and a troglodyte."
"Insult me in English, you pretentious bitch!" the husband replied. As I turned to the fuming couple, I asked them to role-play with us. Leyner embraced the opportunity to play wife to the man.
The husband looked at the beaming Leyner and said, "It's always the things that I don't do that you complain about. I feel like you don't appreciate the things that I do. I barbecue, I take out the garbage, I even put down the toilet seat. What do you want me to do, lactate?"
Leyner rose from his chair red-faced, tears welling in his eyes, spittle flying from his mouth as he gesticulated with melodramatic hysteria. "Bastard! You murdered my youth, and now you're drowning my soul in your vile bullshit. You make love to me as if I were some inflatable doll -- pumping for a minute or two while you watch SportsCenter and then losing consciousness. You're torturing me...I hate you. I hate you!!!" Tears streamed down Leyner's face as he wept uncontrollably.
So much for role-playing. It seems that there is no easy solution, but here is our attempt to explain our biological differences and usher in a new age of understanding between men and women.
Can men lactate?
You can't write a book called Why Do Men Have Nipples? without getting a question about lactating men. This one came during a radio interview when an irate caller insisted that a man could nurse his own child. We argued with him, but there was no convincing this guy (Winston, are you reading this?) that he couldn't nurse one day.
Here's the truth. The mammary glands of human males can produce milk, but certainly not enough to feed a child. Usually, male milk production results from a pathological condition. The most common cause of man-milk is a prolactin-secreting tumor, or prolactinoma, in the pituitary gland. Prolactin is a hormone that stimulates milk production in women. Overproduction of prolactin may also be caused by some drugs, including phenothiazines, certain drugs given for high blood pressure (especially methyldopa), opioids, and even licorice.
Another cause of male lactation is the hormonal treatments used in men who are suffering from prostate cancer. Doctors prescribe female hormones to decrease the growth of the prostate, but these can also cause milk production, or what in medical circles is called galactorrhea.
Extreme starvation can make men lactate, too. (This has been observed in prisoners of war.) It is also possible for males to induce lactation through constant massage and stimulation of the nipple for a long period of time.
Then there is the fruit bat. Only one male mammal, the Dayak fruit bat, is known to produce milk.
So, if you are a male fruit bat with prostate cancer who likes to massage his own nipples and you happen to be a prisoner of war -- let the nursing begin.
Why do women pee more than men?
Any man who has taken a car trip with a woman must wonder whether her need for constant rest stops is the result of a genetic difference, water consumption, or a vicious plan to throw him off schedule.
If you happened to be leafing through the February 5, 2005, issue of the Journal of Urology, you could begin to find an answer. Doctors reviewed 24-hour "urinary diaries" of both men and women and recorded fluid intake and urinary frequency. They found that women do pee more often than men, but not because they drink more.
In general, men have higher fluid intake but don't need to go as often. When they finally feel the urge, they tend to pee higher volumes than women each time they go. The reason: larger bladder capacity. Women are also more likely to suffer from overactive-bladder syndrome, which makes them go even more. No wonder the line is always longer at the girls' room.
Why do men fall asleep after sex?
There is no single, definitive scientific explanation for this age-old conundrum. But if you think about it long enough, the sex -- sleep connection makes sense, particularly when you consider that many men have their first orgasms while unconscious. Wet dreams, nocturnal tumescence, morning erections...When all is said and done, we may not be much better than praying mantises: The males keep copulating even after they're decapitated by their lovers.
After orgasm, both men and women release the chemicals oxytocin, prolactin, gamma amino butyric acid (GABA), and endorphins. Each of these contributes to that roll-over-and-snore feeling. The hormone oxytocin is known to have several effects, including establishment of maternal behavior, stimulation of uterine smooth-muscle contraction at birth, and stimulation of milk ejection (milk letdown). It is also referred to as the "cuddling hormone" because it tends to elicit the need to be close and bond. In one study, oxytocin was shown to inhibit male sexual behavior in prairie voles. Maybe it's the oxytocin that makes us feel satiated and rested.
Prolactin is another player in the sex/sleep saga. It is produced in the pituitary gland, and its best-known function is the stimulation of milk production. Prolactin is believed to relieve sexual arousal after orgasm and take your mind off sex. Levels of prolactin rise during sleep, and some patients with prolactin-secreting tumors report sleepiness. So prolactin seems like it may be a culprit.
GABA and endorphins also both have a calming effect and may make you pass out after sex. So why does the postcoital snooze seem to be so much more a man thing? This may come as quite a shock to some of you self-annointed Don Juans, but whereas men are known to ejaculate in various semicomatose states, such as during prostate exams and while thumbing through dog-eared issues of National Geographic magazine, women -- believe it or not! -- don't always have orgasms during sex, and that keeps them from producing all those other hormones.
Can women have wet dreams?
Sorry, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus, but women can have wet dreams or, more specifically, nocturnal orgasms -- and that may be better than finding a cashmere sweater under your tree.
Alfred Kinsey, the famous sex researcher, found that nocturnal orgasms were reported by 90 percent of the men but less than 40 percent of the women in his studies. The Bible has several references to male nocturnal emissions but doesn't specifically address female nocturnal orgasms.
Are men better than women at math?
Danger! Danger! Answering this question incorrectly may provoke our wives to beat us with the infamous Teen Talk Barbie that was programmed to say, "Math is hard!"
So here are some facts.
The brains of men and women are definitely different. Women's brains are generally about 10 percent smaller than men's, but this is meaningless when it comes to intelligence. Men and women show no disparity in general intelligence. There are areas where there are some slight variances. Women are better at visual memory and mathematical calculation and get better school grades in math. Men, however, are better at mentally rotating shapes and mathematical problem solving, and they score higher on word problems.
In the interest of gender harmony, let's create a new politically correct, asexual Barbie who says something neutral like "Cognitively rotating abstract shapes can be a daunting task. I prefer mathematical calculation and more linguistically complex and empathy-centered forms of interpersonal communication."
Why don't men listen? Is there a tonal quality that men can't hear?
How sweet would it be if there existed the perfect scientific comeback for the next time a woman screamed at you, "Why are you ignoring me?"
Well, here are the inklings of our anatomical answer:
In a September 2005 issue of the journal Neuroimage, psychiatric researchers at the University of Sheffield reported that male and female voices activate distinct regions in the male brain. The scientists monitored the brain activity of 12 men as they listened to male and female voices. They found that in men, women's voices stimulate an area of the brain used for processing complex sounds, like music. Male voices, on the other hand, activate a region used for producing imagery. This may suggest that, at least for men, the female voice is more complex and more difficult to hear and understand.
But there's more...
An earlier study reported in the journal Radiology in July 2001 also showed that men and women listen differently. In this study, researchers at Indiana University had 20 men and 20 women listen to a passage from a novel. While listening, they underwent functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) of the brain. A majority of the men showed activity exclusively on the left side of the brain, but a majority of the women showed activity in the temporal lobe on both sides of the brain.
Now, this is still early science, but here is our suggested comeback:
"Honey, I try so hard to listen. It's just that my brain is incapable of doing what my heart desires." (Then go back to watching football.)
Why do men snore more than women?
To begin with, women have wider airways (as in circumference), so if there is any obstruction, there's a chance the air passing through will not be as likely to hit the structures as it would in men's airways. Additionally, women's airways are less prone to collapse than men's, and that works in the ladies' favor, as far as snoring is concerned.
When men put on weight, they tend to put it on around the neck, whereas women put it on around the hips. The fatty tissue around the neck literally squeezes the airways closed so air can't pass through smoothly. It may hit the structures within the throat and vibrate them, causing the noise we know as snoring.
Smoking and drinking also lead to increased snoring. In general, women smoke and drink less than men and therefore don't suffer the snoring consequences.
Which is more dangerous: douching or barbecuing?
Who knew you were putting yourself in harm's way every time you put on an apron that reads, "Will Grill for Sex"?
However, studies have found two types of cancer-causing agents formed during barbecuing. These are polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs) and heterocyclic amines (HCAs). PAHs are formed in smoke, and since they are found on the surface of the meat, they can be more easily scraped off. The main PAH from barbecuing is benzopyrene.
HCAs are found inside the meat. They are caused by high temperatures and can be formed in the frying pan or oven, as well as the grill.
Don't worry, there's still hope for all you backyard big shots. Here are some healthy grilling tips:
• Marinate.
• Precook food before grilling. This reduces the exposure to high heat, and you can drain fat so there's less dripping and smoking.
• Flip often.
• Cook at lower temperatures.
• Don't cook directly over coals.
• Limit use of the lid to reduce cooking in smoke.
• Remove blackened parts or chicken skin.
Speaking of marinade, your lady might be putting herself at risk, too, if she flushes herself with a vinegar-and-water solution. Sure, douching may be less prevalent than it was when the airwaves were pounded with the image of a daughter asking her mother if she ever gets that "not-so-fresh feeling."
But Massengill and Summer's Eve douche products are still being sold -- even though vaginal douching has been linked to a number of adverse health conditions, including bacterial and yeast infections, pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), ectopic pregnancy, preterm birth, reduced fertility, and increased susceptibility to sexually transmitted diseases.
Remember, there is no need to use any fancy grooming products; the vagina is a self-cleaning oven.
Women, to me, are much more interesting than men, who run to type with a depressing regularity. 
