The Scarlett Letters: Dating 101

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"I locked myself in the bathroom for an hour just to escape his simpering strumming. I mean, who takes themselves that seriously? (answer: plenty of you. Stop it.)"

Scarlett Russell is one of Britain's best young magazine writers. She's also here to help navigate you through the potentially choppy dating and relationship waters as a new AskMen Columnist. Although, as she admits, we all have plenty to learn...

I'll be honest, when I was first approached to write this column I was fairly alarmed. Dating? Relationships? Men in general? None of these are my Mastermind topic of expertise.

As a women's magazine writer I've spent the past three years writing a section entitled, Men, Sex and Love (essentially: me asking psychologists, male friends and unassuming strangers on the street how the male psyche – and their sex lives – operate).

I've listened to endless rants from disgruntled girlfriends about their other halves, dissected male behaviour with colleagues and friends for hours in feature meetings and wine-fuelled nights out, I’ve even worked with 25 blokes on a men’s magazine. Really, I should be a f**king expert on men. Yet, you never cease to amaze, surprise and shock me on a weekly basis.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. A lovely ex-boyfriend once picked me up from work with a bunch of flowers, completely un-prompted, as he “just knew” I'd been having a hellish work week. The flowers weren't the focus, of course. It was that he'd thought about me, considered my feelings and wanted to cheer me up (guys, take note: we love this).

On the flip side, I’ve also been left stumped when a guy hasn’t called, when he’s gone all distant after a few weeks of romance and, once, left solely to foot the dinner bill after a first date. “This is embarrassing,” he mumbled, wholly unconvincingly. “I’ve, er, left my wallet at home. I swear this has never happened.” “No worries,” I thought. “How embarrassing for him! We’ve all been there!” When what I should of course have been thinking was: “What sort of mindless buffoon would ask a girl out and leave his damn wallet at home? Is he that honestly that stupid? I let it slide, there was a pleasant goodbye and I never heard from the guy again. No phone call, apology or explanation.

Then – and this story still amuses my friends at length – there was Singing Man, an aspiring songwriter (sweet Jesus, this should’ve been my first clue) who insisted on breaking into earnest ballad whenever more than six seconds of silence would pass. This tuneless dirge would arrive without request, encouragement or remote interest from my part. On one supposed romantic weekend away, Singing Man proudly brandished a guitar from his car boot with the glee of a fisherman who’s just caught a prize cod. I locked myself in the bathroom for an hour just to escape his simpering strumming. I mean, who takes themselves that seriously? (answer: plenty of you. Stop it.) It was beyond uncomfortable. Gents, please note: it is only ever acceptable to serenade us if you are a) in a legitimate, signed band or b) you are Ryan Gosling. (That scene of him playing the banjo in Blue Valentine floors us. Sorry, but it does.)

Don’t get me wrong, men can be pretty great - and I’m lucky enough to remain friends with some gorgeous, funny men I’ve dated. And I know that women are not always measured, balanced and understanding saints. One mate, Dan*, actually had to ring his girlfriend every hour on a night out because she was so mistrustful about who he was (completely innocently) drinking with. Another, Ed*, was set up on a blind date. She arrived 20 minutes late, with no apology, and demanded they move bars so she could be closer to where her mates were hanging out.

There are dating disasters across the board. And I’m here to share my - and my willing friend’s – dating stories, whilst hoping to somehow explain the peculiarities of male and female behaviour. But for now, I am sure of one thing only. We will never truly understand each other. And to that I say: ‘Hallelujah!’ Long may we continue to amaze, surprise and shock each other on a weekly basis. Because isn’t that half the thrill of dating anyway?

12:48 | Posted in Sex-Life, Sex+Women | Read More �

Valentine's Day Myths Revealed

Valentine's Day Myths Revealed - Credit: iStockphoto.com

Yes, it's that time of year again. Love is in the air and so are lovey-dovey images of hearts, flowers, candy, and cupid.

While a few of you may actually relish this time of year, most of you are probably confused as to what your girl expects of you. After all, Valentine's Day is when she's waiting to be pampered and, like it or not, she may even be using the day to test your interest in her.

However, don't let the pressure get you down. Along with the stress also comes an invaluable opportunity to impress her. A quick review of the following Valentine's Day myths might surprise you -- they may even burst some of your long-held beliefs about the holiday. So, read on and you'll be in good shape to minimise your effort and maximise the advantages that Valentine's Day can afford you.

Myth No. 1

It's OK to skip Valentine's Day

Why this is false: She might realise that it's a hyped-up day, but that won't get you off the hook completely. She'll see her friends going on dates and wonder why you aren't stepping up to the plate.

What to do instead: You can keep Valentine's Day low-key and celebrate it in your own way. Plan an activity that you both enjoy and declare it your own celebration -- like ice skating or hiking. Any activity that you do together will show her that you gave the day some thought.

Myth No. 2

You have to celebrate on February 14th
Why this is false: No one says you have to celebrate on the same day as everyone else -- that's so conventional.

What to do instead: Pick another day in the week to plan your date and declare that day your own personal Valentine's Day. Places will be less crowded and you won't be made to feel like another sheep in the crowd. She won't care when you celebrate as long as she sees you've put some thought into it. She may even appreciate mixing it up.

More Valentine's Day myths revealed next...

Heineken® is helping ignite romance this Valentine’s Day with the launch of a fun new Facebook application called ‘The Serenade’. To start serenading click here: www.Facebook.com/Heineken Next Page >>

12:48 | Posted in Sex-Life, Sex+Women | Read More �

How A Single Guy Can Score On Valentine's Day

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"The holidays are over, the dreary winter days will stick around for a while, and when happy couples are on full display on Valentine's Day, it's the final straw."

Want to know how to score on Valentine's Day? Throughout the country, hordes of lonely women are without a partner for the day that celebrates love and togetherness, but it’s a special kind of lonely. It’s a state of aloneness that’s mired in sensations of long-term concern, tinged with a dash of good old-fashioned self-doubt. The holidays are over, the dreary winter days will stick around for a while, and when happy couples are on full display on Valentine's Day, it’s the final straw. Granted, many single men are suffering as well, but it just seems to hit the females harder. This being the case, if a guy wants to know how to score on Valentine's Day and wishes to pick up one of these down-and-out ladies, it’s going to be one of the most challenging excursions of the year. But you have a few advantages. In many ways, she simply detests the idea of spending Valentine’s Day alone, and even if you’re not exactly on a date, you can be there for her. At the very least, she’s not alone, and of course, neither are you.

Furthermore, you may realize that Valentine's Day falls on a weekday this year, which means you may have to change things up a bit. The traditional pick-up locales -- bars and clubs -- may not be a hot spot on this evening, so perhaps it’s best to widen your search radius. Some women might opt to spend the day shopping, for example, so the malls could present some surprising possibilities. But no matter how you look at, Valentine’s Day isn’t a typical day of the year. This one is only for the veterans, kiddies.

Know Who You're Dealing With

As previously outlined, there are two types of women you will typically encounter when out and about on Valentine’s Day -- one is depressed and moody while the other puts on a brave face and heads out to secure a night of meaningless passion. Now, while it may be possible to get that sweaty, vice-filled night with both types of chicks, the approach is crucial for one while the departure is important for the other. Clearly, the hot-to-trot cutie is an easier target, but you must remember this persona is likely only temporary. If you hang on too long, you could suffer the long-term consequences. But you can’t possibly ignore the fact that Valentine’s Day is one of only 365 days when a lot of lonely women would love nothing more than a quick fling… if only to stave off depression. It’s a golden opportunity.

Speaking of depression, there’s the other kind of lady, the one who can’t find the brave face and would much rather succumb to moodiness. For her, the approach matters most; you absolutely cannot represent her male savior. As desperate as she may be to find him, you’re not the “one,” and you need to make that clear.

What you are, however, is a companion for the evening. In fact, you could even play the “take care of each other” card by simply offering to keep each other company on the loneliest night of the year for single individuals. Of course, the first step is confirming the target is single, but provided you’re not hitting up a woman waiting on her date at a romantic restaurant, you should be able to manage.

It’s just another day

This outlook will work with just about every woman, regardless of what they’re feeling. February 14th is just another day of the year, and simply because it celebrates love doesn’t mean the world stops turning for bachelors and bachelorettes. If you treat it as such and put this view on display, you will probably get a positive response from single women… and a lot of dirty looks from committed couples. It’s a battle out there, and we must realize that couples and singles are at odds on Valentine’s Day; one group despises the other for a 24-hour span, as bizarre as that sounds. Saying “oh, it’s just another day” will be insulting for the blissful twosome, but it’s exactly what the all-by-my-lonesome female wants to hear. Obviously, there’s always the possibility of failure if you take the concept too far. It’s fine to be in a good mood and shrug off the lack of a significant other, but you shouldn’t cast aspersions on the holiday by being too “loud and proud.” The couples can have their day and you won’t begrudge them that. But on the other hand, you’re not a bad person for being single… and neither is she. “Ah, Valentine’s Day, Shmalentine’s Day,” but don’t go overboard.

More on how to score on Valentine's Day...

12:48 | Posted in Sex-Life, Sex+Women | Read More �

The Scarlett Letters: How To Do Valentine's

The Scarlett Letters - Credit: Getty Images

"Even if you think she's not bothered about Valentine's Day, make some effort. If you've just started dating, dinner is fine. Long-term girlfriends need a little more consideration."

This Tuesday, as couples everywhere gaze at each other across a dimly-lit table, or snuggle up on a sofa, where will I be? At the theatre with my boss. And my Mum. It’s not the ideal way to spend Valentine’s Day if I’m honest.

On the other hand, said boss and Mum are awesome so it will actually, probably, be a laugh. And, without wishing to sound like a bitter singleton, Valentine’s Day is overrated, isn’t it? As one male friend aptly stated; “I couldn’t really care less, but I’m happy to play along to keep her happy. Plus, you’re pretty much guaranteed to see some exciting new underwear.” Quite.

So, what’s expected of men-folk on supposedly the most romantic day of the year? I’m afraid it’s a bit of a minefield and really depends on the lady in question. I’m sure there are some girls who do go in for bigger, lavish acts of kindness from their men. For me and basically all the girls I know, we’re not that bothered. But, the day has to be at least acknowledged, no matter how little or long you’ve been together. My best friend, Cat, summarised it perfectly; “It’s not about spending, but caring. Like mending a broken necklace or baking a cake. Making a card is always a winner. Something stupid is fine; just make it personal.” A female colleague maintains that a card is, “non-negotiable. A £2 way to avoid a row. Whether we’ve been going out two months or two years I’d always expect a card.” Personally, I couldn’t care less about a card. I just imagine some weary bloke searching aimlessly in Clinton’s for one that conveys ‘just the right’ meaning, when I’d much rather he scrapped it and cooked me a delicious dinner instead. And maybe bought flowers too. Personal, intimate, romantic – minus the pressure.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had lovely Valentine’s Days in the past. My ex, Mike, took me to a gorgeous little Greek (my favourite food) restaurant last year. Back at his flat were a huge bunch of flowers. It wasn’t pretentious, just really sweet. In a more extravagant fashion, the guy before him treated me to a pampering night in a five-star London hotel. I’d only been dating Jay a couple of months, so would never expect anything so generous, but loved that he’d made such an effort. And it’s not always up to the man. A mate of mine is taking her boyfriend to Cirque de Soleil this year.

My advice? Even if you think she’s not bothered about Valentine’s Day, make some effort. If you’ve just started dating, dinner is fine. Long-term girlfriends need a little more consideration. She’ll love something sweet, thoughtful and personal. A carriage ride through Hyde Park, poems or a man-sized bear holding a I Wuv You heart would all fall into the ‘over-the-top’ category. Having said that, Mike once gave me a bear of exactly that description - but it was given with total irony and I found it hilarious (who says women are complicated?!)

My most memorable Valentine’s ever was at university. A bloke I’d just started seeing planned to come over for a romantic night in. In a clumsy attempt to seduce the guy, I knocked over a candle and my duvet set alight. It was actually a few moments before we realised what was going on. Mid-kiss, he leapt up erratically, like a startled horse that’d just been given an electric shock. Standing in my underwear chucking cold water over my sheets at 1am was, I have to say, something of a romance-killer. But, very funny.

Heineken® is helping ignite romance this Valentine’s Day with the launch of a fun new Facebook application called ‘The Serenade’. To start serenading click here: www.Facebook.com/Heineken

12:48 | Posted in Sex-Life, Sex+Women | Read More �

"The Nicest Thing Anyone's Ever Done For Me On Valentine's..."

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Valentine's Day comes loaded with pressure to keep your partner happy. To ease some of the confusion, we took to the streets of London to ask these ladies,

"What is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for you on Valentine's Day?"

With no box of chocolates or diamond jewellery to be heard of, the results might relieve (or terrify) you.

Emily
29, Web Producer
"One year my boyfriend duped me into thinking we weren’t doing anything for V-Day, and when we got back to his place, he’d sprinkled the bed with rose petals and got me a cute little personalised gift. I don’t think I’d got him anything, poor boy!"

Becky
26, Office Manager
"My best Valentine's Day was my first one with my boyfriend. We'd been been dating for 6 months - when I came home from work he'd set up a candle-lit scavenger hunt that eventually led me to my main present, an iPod Nano. It must've worked because we've been together 6 years now!"

Amelia
32, Creative Director
"I was at work a couple of years ago when a singer-gram came in and sung to me at my desk in front of the whole office. It was a little embarrassing at the time, but equally very cool as I love anything theatrical. He left a bouquet of flowers and an invitation to an unknown address for that evening. A taxi picked me up from work and whisked me away to this venue where he had a candle-lit table waiting for me. The whole night was magical although I was a bit embarrassed about how much effort he’d been to. Made my card look pretty rubbish in comparison!"

Maya
30, PR Executive
"The best thing my (now) husband ever did for me on Valentine's Day was when he proposed. We were in Rome, eating pizza, drinking wine. He pretended to drop his napkin, popped down on one knee and then handed me my engagement ring. It's going to be really difficult for him to top that!"

Heineken® is helping ignite romance this Valentine’s Day with the launch of a fun new Facebook application called ‘The Serenade’. To start serenading click here: http://www.facebook.com/heineken?sk=app_137291299679912

12:48 | Posted in Sex-Life, Sex+Women | Read More �

How To Fit A Workout Into Your Crazy Schedule

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"When it comes to time management, nothing is more important than prioritization."

It's time to break out the MBA again.

But I'm not going to "proactivate" you with a bunch of management buzzwords, and that's mostly because I think the majority of hyper-detailed time-management stuff is a bunch of bullsh*t.

It's not that scientific

I will not preach a bunch of time management theories. Several books have been written on this subject; some of them are okay, others, not so much. I'm not a master of time management, and I have no intention of becoming one. To be honest, I'm dubious about it as a discipline. For me, it is closely aligned with what I call self-help bullsh*t.

A former employer of mine had a policy where all management staff had to take a well-known two-day self-help course on being exceptionally productive through adopting a [lucky] number of mannerisms. I'm being deliberately obtuse because I'm going to slam the course now, and I've had enough threats of lawsuits about my writing to know I don't enjoy the experience.

The course was the most mindless drivel I'd ever been exposed to. Two days of having common sense that you should've learned by the age of six twisted and "paradigmed" and "proactivated" into management mumbo jumbo until my brain turned into protoplasm. Then they try to sell you on day planners and software and… and you just want to barf. I'm skeptical if a time-management guru has ever really helped anyone manage their time better.

Nevertheless, I didn't want to crap on the entire industry after taking just one course, so I read a couple of the most popular time-management books and they just confirmed my suspicions that this is common sense overcomplicated so someone can sell a book or a course, along with a bunch of add-on crap. I worked over a decade in marketing, and I know a scam when I see one.

Anyway, I guess I can't just rant about how it's all a bunch of crap and not give you any advice at all, because that wouldn't be terribly productive, so here is my common-sense-based time un-management advice.

Prioritize

When it comes to time management, nothing is more important than prioritization. An oft-used axiom is that if everything is a priority, then nothing is a priority. You must make the decision that exercise is important to you and you will put it before many other things. Another axiom is that no one lies on their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time at the office. Conversely, I think there are probably plenty of people who lie on that same bed wishing they'd spent more time exercising, especially since if they had then they probably wouldn't be dying right then.

Also, know that being in great health can make you more productive at everything else you do. If you're in shape, then you can be a better husband, a better dad and even a better employee.

If you make exercise and healthy eating a high priority, you'll find the time to do it.

Plan

I've written about this before. You know your life and schedule better than anyone, so you need to do a bit of figuring your own stuff out. Figure out what time of day works best for you to exercise. Figure out your running or cycling routes. Figure out how you are going to fit in breakfast. Figure out which gym has the most convenient location for you. Figure out that spandex is a bad idea.

Figure all this out, then make a schedule and endeavor to stick to it.

Adapt

Does this even require explanation? Things don't always work out the way you plan, so don't give up on the fundamental goals -- just change the plan and try again.

Remember what Field Marshal von Moltke said: "No plan of battle survives contact with the enemy."

Be Efficient

Thirty minutes of going hard with the weights is far better than an hour of farting around in the gym. Running hard for 30 minutes burns more calories than walking for an hour. It also is better for your heart, lungs and cholesterol, and it improves your ability to train harder with weights.

Efficiency doesn't just apply to exercise. You can pack an entire week's worth of gym clothes and take them to the office on Monday so you never have to worry about missing a workout because you don't have fresh attire. I found that lunchtime is a good time for weightlifting, and it allows me to skip those fattening coworker trips to the Chinese food buffet.

If you get creative, you can think of other ways in your life to exercise efficiently.

Think!

You've got a brain; use it. What do you do that wastes time? Where are the holes in your schedule? What do you need to do to fit exercise into your schedule?

Time management: You figure it out.

12:42 | Posted in Fitness | Read More �

How To Customize Your Training To Achieve The Ultimate Physique

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"As with all things, when it comes to training, everything works, but nothing works forever."

Click here to check out John Romaniello's official website.

When guys attempt to decide on a training program, one of the first questions they ask is: “What’s the best set and rep scheme for gaining muscle?”

Trainers get this question all the time, and it is one of the most difficult to answer accurately. You’ve most likely read a variety of training articles, each claiming to have the best formula for muscle growth. And while some are better than others, most of them work pretty well.

So the simplest and most accurate answer to this question is “all of them.”

Unfortunately, that's also the most complicated answer.

See, it's like this: Your muscles are made up of various types of fibers, and the rep ranges you best respond to is going to be a factor partially determined by your particular fiber make-up.
Of course, without dissecting you (which, while undoubtedly fun, would not be very efficacious in terms of your training), there really isn’t any way to tell you what your general fiber make-up is, or what type of rep and set schemes you’re going to respond to. None of which really answers the question, of course.
Looking at it from a different angle, we can begin to decide on set and rep schemes based on a goal -- some are better for pure growth, and others for a mix of both strength and size.

Option 1 - Size and Nothing But Size

Let us assume for a moment that the training focus is entirely on growth, and not at all on strength. In that case, your concentration should be on the higher rep ranges -- sets of 10-12, 12-15 or even as high as 20 are on the menu. As for the number of sets, well, that is something that will be determined by the number of exercises you do for a particular body part.

It helps to think of things in terms of total volume. If you are training with higher reps, I would try to limit a specific muscle group to around 120 reps per workout.

Here is an example using chest exercises:

-Bench Press - 4×15 (60 reps)
-Incline Dumbbell Press - 3×12 (36 reps)
-Dumbbell Fly - 2×10 (20 reps)

We’re looking at a total of 116 reps there, give or take any extras your were able to squeeze out or reps you were unable to complete.

The reason for the high reps if your focus is primarily on hypertrophy is, once more, fiber make-up. You are training for what is sometimes called sarcoplasmic hypertrophy, or fluid hypertrophy, a term that is sometimes debated.

Either way, high rep training is the simplest, fastest and most visibly obvious way for beginners to pack on mass. The drawback is that the higher rep schemes used in this type of training necessitate very light (in relative terms, at least) loads to complete the set.

As a result, strength tends not to increase. In fact, in some cases, you may even notice a decrease if you attempt heavier training.

This is typical “bodybuilder” type training -- all show and no go, as they say.

You’ll look strong, but you won’t be strong. However, if all you’re going for is a good look in a tight shirt, this may sound like something you might be interested in.

In most cases, when new trainees hit the gym, they do some incarnation of this, although in many cases it’s as simple as three sets of 10 for four exercises. (As an aside, even in this case, they’re hitting 120 reps.) They progress a bit and then stall out. As with all things, when it comes to training, everything works, but nothing works forever.

From there, trainees look to change it up, and that bring us to option two.

Option Two – Size and Strength

If you’re looking to get both big and strong, you have a more difficult road ahead of you, but with a greater goal at the end. In this case, we’d be talking about training with heavier loads and lower total volume.

Strength increases are the result of training with heavy weight, which by default will place a pretty stringent limit on the amount of reps you can perform on a given set. Strength-oriented training relies on performing sets of 1-5 reps, with the average being 3.

Heavy training is not only optimal for strength gains, but it can also be used to accrue a serious amount of muscle. Training with high weight recruits what are known as Type II b muscle fibers, which are the densest fibers and have the most potential for muscle growth. By lifting heavy, we activate these quickly, which can potentially lead to mass gain -- fast.

As you might imagine, it becomes necessary to change things around in a given workout to meet your goals. It’s quite possible to increase size without strength, and the reverse is true here: You can get a lot stronger without getting bigger.

Once more we need to look at things from the perspective of overall volume. In order to allow for the necessary weight, we need to keep the reps per set pretty low. If you followed the generally bullsh*t training most clueless meatheads drop on you, the upper limit for sets would be 3 or 4 per exercise. With heavy training, this would leave you at about 9-15 total reps. Your strength would increase, but this is just not enough to stimulate growth. Next Page >>

12:42 | Posted in Fitness | Read More �

The Scarlett Letters: Dating 101

Valentine's Day Myths Revealed